April 15, 2007

Our Decision

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 1:12 am

Well, Dave and I have discussed it and we have decided to stop persuing an African adoption at this time.  For some reason we both have felt uneasy about it and we just decided it wasn’t the right time for us to do this.  Maybe this summer we will think about persuing another country.  We just don’t think our girls are in Zambia.  Rani cried a good bit, but I think she’ll be OK.  Everyone must have been praying hard because we all feel at peace about our decision now.

April 11, 2007

I can’t believe we are thinking of not going

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 9:23 am

Here it is in a nutshell.  All along I have been persuing this Zambia adoption thinking we would first get a referral, accept the referral, and then the three of us (DH, my baby, and myself) would travel together to get our new daughters.  That’s why when I was told to come a few weeks ago I seemed hesitant because I was not given specific information about a child.  I guess choosing a child does seem kind of romantic, but I have never had any desire to do so.  I believed that the one that was chosen for us would be the one that God wanted in our home.  That coupled with the discovery that my husband could not get that week off of work and he also could not stay away that long led to me going alone and leaving my breastfeeding baby behind.  I found myself anxiety riddled and not even functioning as a human being at the thought of #1 doing it alone and #2 leaving my son. 

The other night it was really bad.  So bad I just cried and cried.  I just didn’t know how I would be able to do what I had to do to finish this adoption when I couldn’t even eat or speak to anyone.

 The next morning I got an email from a friend currently adopting in Zambia stating that there is still animosity toward me there and that I had to watch my step or my trip could be in vain.  That was the clincher…I decided not to go.  If I was scared before, the thought that my emotions might prevent me from adopting sent me over the edge.  I gave back all the money that was loaned/donated to us and cancelled my plane tickets.

There is still one small possibility of me getting a baby girl.  That is for them to choose one for me and start the process and then for my husband to go get her and complete the adoption.  We currently cannot afford for all of us to go without borrowing even more money.  And my husband just isn’t sure anymore.  He has been hoping it would all fall apart since the problems started in December.  I don’t think he ever thought we’d make it this far.  He loves me dearly and I truly believe that it is only his love for me that keeps him from pulling the plug on this altogether.  So I don’t know what he is going to decide.  I truly hope that he will pray about it, and come to the decision that is right for us, no matter what that is. 

 Please pray that I can have peace no matter what we decide.  Please pray that if we are unable to adopt that sweet baby, that some good family will adopt her and she will have a good life.  Please pray that the people who worked so hard to help us will be at peace with our decision.  Please pray that the valerian root I’m taking will help me to function as a good mother again.  Please pray that my daughter will forgive us for having to grow up the only girl and only adopted child in a sea of boys if we don’t go.  Please pray.  Just Pray.  Thank you.

April 9, 2007

Having second thoughts

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 9:22 am

Every time I think about leaving my 18 month old nursling for a month I start to cry.  I just don’t know if I can do it.  I haven’t purchased any tickets yet and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it alone.

April 6, 2007

I’m going!

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 9:41 am

I’m going all by myself too.  My hubby just can’t get the time off from work right now.  I think it’ll be OK but I so wish he could come with me.  I leave next Sunday April 15th.  I’m probably going to end up with a newborn.

March 23, 2007

Smoothed over

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 3:33 pm

Thanks to help from a friend who speaks less abruptly than I do…things have been smoothed over.  Now David and I have to sit down and seriously decide when/if/how we are going to do this and do it!  Dave is quite disheartened about the whole thing and I know he wants to just quit and move on.  I feel the same way a lot of the time, but whenever I get to that point something inside me begs me not to give up!  Please, if you are the praying type, pray for us this weekend as we try to determine our course of action.

March 21, 2007

I’m officially a jerk

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 9:45 am

Well, this friend emailed me a few days ago telling me to hop on a plane next week because there would be kids to adopt.  I asked her questions like “Why the rush?”,  “What kind of fees would be involved?”,  “What are the children like?” etc.  She told me I ask too many questions just like the other lady and now she won’t help me anymore.  I just don’t understand what is so wrong with asking questions.  Can’t she understand how scary it is to hop on a plane like it’s nothing to come to a place where I know nothing??  I don’t think my heart can stand it this time.  I’m just in tears. 

January 30, 2007

Total 360! Again there is hope.

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 2:14 pm

Well thanks to my friend’s wonderful way of explaining she has apparently convinced the SWW that she should continue to work with us.  The key will be that I will no longer communicate via email with the SWW only through my friend and the telephone.

The sad thing is that the SWW took Christine to the dr. and had her tested and alas she IS positive for HIV.  My husband just doesn’t think we can handle taking care of an HIV positive child, so we are back to square one with no referral.  Part of me is sad, but the rest of me is still hopeful as the SWW is planning to search out another child for us.  What a wonder and I am so grateful!

 I encourage anyone adopting from Zambia to be careful not to ask too many questions of the SWWs.  It’s best to ask them over the telephone and only deal with one thing at a time.  I feel it’s also extremly helpful to find a contact in Zambia that will speak for you and be a go-between.  This helps to prevent any miscommunication which has been the major issue in this adoption for us.

 So again there is hope! 

January 17, 2007

I’m just sitting here crying…

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 2:44 am

I’ve been hanging on to a small shred of hope…but tonight it was dashed.  My friend spoke with the SWW and she never would say if Christine is actually available nor would she tell her where she is located. 

She told my friend that emails I have sent her continue to make her “uncomfortable” and she doesn’t know if she wants to go through with our adoption plans.  I have only insisted that she be 100% honest with me.  Apparently that is just too much for her to handle.  I have apologized profusely for the miscommunication if any and she on the telephone seems to accept that and leads me on with words and hope when in actuality she doesn’t intend to continue at all.  Does she think that I will just go away if she keeps putting me off a bit?

I am beyond devasted at this news.  That coupled with a negative pregnancy test this week is just hitting me really hard right now.  I know my husband is not willing to try another country and go through all the paperwork again.  This was my last hope to adopt a sister for my dd to share her life with.  I’m just—lost, so lost.

January 16, 2007

No answers yet.

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 9:44 am

My new friend was supposed to meet with the SWW last night but I haven’t heard yet if she succeeded in doing so.  I’ll update here as soon as I know.

January 15, 2007

Possibly not available?

Filed under: Africa Adoption — Tamra @ 3:39 am

It has been suggested to me by my new friend in Zambia that Christine may not be available—as in she may have already been adopted.  When I called the SWW she acted as if everything would be fine for the visit with the Dr. so I’m wondering what to believe?  It’s 2:35 am and I’m sitting here at my computer hoping and praying for some answers.  I can’t make an appointment for a child who doesn’t exist.  This whole adopting independently with no rhyme or reason is starting to take it’s toll on me.  I go from moments of elation to moments of pure despair.  It’s nothing like when we adopted Rani.  Yes it was tough because it was over a year from the time we recieved the first picture of her to the time we brought her home, but there were no worries that she would be taken away from us.  We knew she was ours and we were safe to build a relationship with her in our hearts.  With this child…I’m afraid to even imagine what she might be like for fear that I might get too attached and she’ll be snatched away.  To those of you reading my blog with hopes of someday adopting from Zambia yourselves keep in mind that it’s like being jerked up and down on a yo yo, never knowing if you will actually reach your destination.

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