In all my born days I have never seen a child like Christmas more than our little Rani did on Christmas day! This kid can open any package in three seconds flat. We had a wonderful Christmas. Rani begged to see Santa and luckily got to see him at my parents house. She kept right by him, even when the other cousins were having their turn. She kept stroking his soft outfit and saying “my Santa…MY Santa” in a sweet loving tone. It was so cute! She kept asking when we would see Jesus, since it was his birthday. I told her, not for a while yet.

She and I are getting along better than ever. She cuddles up next to me several times a day and says “I lubb you Mom.” It melts my heart.

We are still not sure what we are planning to do on the adoption front. I still want to adopt from India so badly. I really hope that’s what we end up doing, for Rani’s sake. She still misses her caregiver very much and her caregiver misses her too. The last letter we recieved was filled with pleading for us to come and visit. I don’t see us visiting any time soon unless we are adopting again. It just kills me to see this sweet woman so heartbroken. I just wish there were more I could do! I’m planning on sending a portable DVD player to the orphanage so that we can send her DVDs of Rani. Maybe it will help if she can see for herself how happy Rani is. We pray for her every night, but my heart is still breaking for both of them. It’s just not fair that she can’t have Shanti AND a family. :worried

Here are a couple pics from Christmas. The first is of Rani examining her talking kitchen in her Christmas PJs. In the second she is holding her Jasmine doll that her Aunt Angela gave her. She absolutely adores this doll! The only thing missing is a bindi, which is no problem for me to take care of. Just look at that coy face!

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This picture was taken about a month ago, but I have been too busy with the Nutcracker to share it. My six year old son put all of Rani’s clips in her hair to give her this spectacular do.

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Just wanted to share a few pictures of Rani in her Christmas dress. It’s a velvet and silk Avanini dress I got on Ebay. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw it and she looks so darn cute! The first picture was the night she saw her brother, Xander, in the Nutcracker. She wore a crown. The other pictures were taken on the Sundays before and after Christmas.

The little girl I wanted to adopt has found a family. I can’t believe it, because she’s been listed for over a year. I’ve been praying for her and wanting her for seven months now and just when we’re close she’s gone. I’m trying hard not to be sad, and I’m sure this door is shutting because a window is opening somewhere. :worried

She had to be under general anesthesia with a breathing tube and everything. She woke up screaming and they didn’t have me in there yet! :irked She cried for about an hour and was inconsolable, the poor dear.

And the diagnosis, hmm let me think, could it be congenital bilateral nystagmus just like the Indian doctors diagnosed??? Of course!!! :whip

At least it’s all over and we can move on with our lives now. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I’m glad we don’t have to do more tests! :highfive

Rani has her (hopfully) last eye test today. She has to be sedated again and I’m not looking forward to it. She is such a brave little thing. I truly hope this is the last needle stick she has to endure for a while.

Keep us in your thoughts today.

He says he “has been thinking about it and praying about it, but I just don’t know”

*sigh* That is the only answer I told him I couldn’t accept.

The night was fantastic. We dropped the kids off at my MIL’s home and rode light rail into the city. We walked to this tiny little Indian restaurant called Taj India. It was delicious! We spent the the meal reminiscing about India and the orphanage. We talked about what we wish we could have done differently at the orphanage. But he didn’t bring up the “decision” topic.

After that we walked four blocks in the freezing cold to see the lights at Temple Square. It was beautiful. We stopped in front of the nativity and I could feel the spirit so strongly. I hoped he’d say something then, but he didn’t.

On our way out we were hailed by a horse and carriage driver and I begged to go for a ride. Dave relented and we got in. It was nice and warm under the blankets with a little heater for our feet. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he kissed me on the forehead. It was just like when we were dating and one of the things that made me fall in love. I hoped he would say something then…but he didn’t.

After that we got on the train to go home. We were the only ones in the train for about a half an hour. I hoped he’d say something…but he didn’t.

We picked up the kids and headed home. I was so dissapointed. Xander kept asking me if I had a good birthday and I was trying to be cheerful and say yes but there was an edge of dissapointment in my voice.

I climbed into bed and silently the tears began to fall. Dave climbed in bed too, which usually he doesn’t. He likes to watch a little TV before bed. I wiped the tears away fast. He cuddled up with me and kissed me and said goodnight. He turned away from me and whispered “I’ve been thinking about it and praying about it…and I just don’t know.” I didn’t say anything. I just layed there with the tears silently pouring down my face, hoping he wouldn’t notice. After about 10 minutes he said “Do you want to pray together about it?”

I was floored. I can count on one hand the number of times we have prayed together. He’s just very uncomfortable with it, so I don’t push the issue. I said yes. We sat up in bed and folded our arms and I didn’t say anything. Finally after a few minutes he started praying, and soon I figured out where his frustration is coming from. He is asking the Lord for help to know what size our family should be. It is such a broad question. There is no yes or no answer to that. I refrained from saying anything though. I just layed there and held him until we fell asleep.

So I guess even though I didn’t get the answer I’d hoped, something good is coming out of it. My plan of action at this point is to discuss together what we would really like to do. Hopefully come to a decision and then ask the Lord for His blessing.

Any advice from other’s who have been-there-done-that? I actually emailed my daughter’s agency and asked them for answers to some questions so that I can present the answers to him. That was so difficult because I know she’s going to be too honest and blunt. She may even say there’s no way we could do it.

It’s so frustrating to me, but I’m trying to have patience. I can’t believe I didn’t say a word, because I’m never without words, especially on this subject.

Thanks for reading my novel.