In my last post I didn’t really convey that.  I spoke with the Social Welfare person last night and she said that she understood and to keep calling her to find out about available children. :-)  This is a good turn of events, because she was the one pushing me to come to Zambia.  I think she realizes that it’s not the best idea right now.

 Also my friend Holly who is there right now is very optimistic.  She is working with the Social Welfare personell to find her own children and she also plans to work with them at matching kids to families.  It’s nice to know that I now have a personal connection with Zambia through my friend and we will surely have a referral for a baby girl in the next few months or so. 

And for the others who want to see my fairy pictures they are HERE

My husband is the voice of reason.  From what I have heard from my friends in Zambia and from the Social Welfare person, there are no girls available right now.  None.  My dh can’t see why I would want to go down there with only the hope of finding a child when we could just stay here until we know children are available.

I’m very sad…but also relieved.  I was having panic attacks at the thought of leaving my children for that long and coming home empty handed.  The younger ones seem relieved that I’ll be staying…the older ones are dissapointed.  They were looking forward to staying with friends.

I’m having major anxiety attacks every time I think about leaving my kids and travelling without my husband, and not finding a child to adopt.  I hate feeling like this!  This is how I react to the unknown every time and every time I try to find a way to make it go away and so far nothing has worked.  I pray and pray and then I’ll feel better for five minutes and then it comes back.

They say courage is doing something in spite of being afraid.  I don’t feel like I have any courage.  Who am I to do this thing?  I’m nothing…nobody.  Why has the Lord chosen to expand me in this way?  I know there is no way to know the answer, but the closer it gets the harder it is to keep saying “I will go, I will do…”

I’m sorry to vent, but sometimes it’s cathartic for me to get it out there in cyberspace.