I just wanted to let all of you know about an awesome organization that offers free custom photography sessions to children who have newly arrived home.  Celebrating Adoption is a wonderful nationwide organization that provides custom portraiture for adoptive families.

Emily asked for a Rani update, and I guess it is about time I posted something.    Thanks for the reminder Emily.

Rani has been with us for 2 years and 8 months now.  She is growing and I can’t believe how grown up she looks!  She is quite the little dancer and she likes to sing…a lot…sometimes that drives me batty but I don’t tell her that. LOL

 She is SO excited to be turning six this summer.  In her mind, six is the end-all-be-all of ages to be.  Once she is six she getst to start Liberty Girls and in the fall she will get to try out for the Nutcracker for the very first time!  She loves performing and she can’t wait to be in a real ballet!

 She struggles with reading and writing quite a bit.  She can’t seem to remember the letter sounds for a very long time.  Her almost 5yo brother is starting to pass her up.  She writes her letters perfectly but often starts writing on the wrong side of the paper and writes her words in a complete mirror image.  It’s wierd.  She’s left handed and I’m not sure if that’s the issue or if she is possibly dyslexic. I’m not too worried yet as we are homeschooling so there is no pressure, but in the future if it doesn’t improve I may take her to be evaluated for dyslexia.

She is quite the little model and I can always count on her to be excited when we do a photography shoot.  Here are some recents of her that I love!  I’m just getting started with my biz, ModernExpressions, and I’m always asking her to help me out with new locations.

November 06

February 07

March 07

Well, Dave and I have discussed it and we have decided to stop persuing an African adoption at this time.  For some reason we both have felt uneasy about it and we just decided it wasn’t the right time for us to do this.  Maybe this summer we will think about persuing another country.  We just don’t think our girls are in Zambia.  Rani cried a good bit, but I think she’ll be OK.  Everyone must have been praying hard because we all feel at peace about our decision now.

Here it is in a nutshell.  All along I have been persuing this Zambia adoption thinking we would first get a referral, accept the referral, and then the three of us (DH, my baby, and myself) would travel together to get our new daughters.  That’s why when I was told to come a few weeks ago I seemed hesitant because I was not given specific information about a child.  I guess choosing a child does seem kind of romantic, but I have never had any desire to do so.  I believed that the one that was chosen for us would be the one that God wanted in our home.  That coupled with the discovery that my husband could not get that week off of work and he also could not stay away that long led to me going alone and leaving my breastfeeding baby behind.  I found myself anxiety riddled and not even functioning as a human being at the thought of #1 doing it alone and #2 leaving my son. 

The other night it was really bad.  So bad I just cried and cried.  I just didn’t know how I would be able to do what I had to do to finish this adoption when I couldn’t even eat or speak to anyone.

 The next morning I got an email from a friend currently adopting in Zambia stating that there is still animosity toward me there and that I had to watch my step or my trip could be in vain.  That was the clincher…I decided not to go.  If I was scared before, the thought that my emotions might prevent me from adopting sent me over the edge.  I gave back all the money that was loaned/donated to us and cancelled my plane tickets.

There is still one small possibility of me getting a baby girl.  That is for them to choose one for me and start the process and then for my husband to go get her and complete the adoption.  We currently cannot afford for all of us to go without borrowing even more money.  And my husband just isn’t sure anymore.  He has been hoping it would all fall apart since the problems started in December.  I don’t think he ever thought we’d make it this far.  He loves me dearly and I truly believe that it is only his love for me that keeps him from pulling the plug on this altogether.  So I don’t know what he is going to decide.  I truly hope that he will pray about it, and come to the decision that is right for us, no matter what that is. 

 Please pray that I can have peace no matter what we decide.  Please pray that if we are unable to adopt that sweet baby, that some good family will adopt her and she will have a good life.  Please pray that the people who worked so hard to help us will be at peace with our decision.  Please pray that the valerian root I’m taking will help me to function as a good mother again.  Please pray that my daughter will forgive us for having to grow up the only girl and only adopted child in a sea of boys if we don’t go.  Please pray.  Just Pray.  Thank you.

Every time I think about leaving my 18 month old nursling for a month I start to cry.  I just don’t know if I can do it.  I haven’t purchased any tickets yet and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it alone.

I’m going all by myself too.  My hubby just can’t get the time off from work right now.  I think it’ll be OK but I so wish he could come with me.  I leave next Sunday April 15th.  I’m probably going to end up with a newborn.