August 2, 2004

Day two with Rani

Filed under: The Journey — Tamra @ 9:08 am

All through the night I kept waking up from the horrible knot that has become my stomach. Rani would wake up a little, look at me, and then turn her head to Daddy. At least he could comfort her some, because she wouldn’t accept me at all. Sometime around 3AM she woke up, I pretended to sleep and she just stared at me. I wish I knew what she was thinking. I opened my eyes and smiled at her. She turned her head away and went back to sleep. At about 5AM she starting making sucking noises. She was trying to suck on everything in her sleep, including her arm. I ran and got a bottle of water. I first pretended to feed her doll. She smiled. I said “Rani baby?” and she took the bottle. She mostly chewed on it, but over the next two hours she drank the whole thing.

After she woke up fully she seemed very happy. I showed her all the dresses and shoes I had brought. Oh boy did she love that! I showed her all the little hairbows and she wanted me to do her hair. I did her hair and put a bindi on her forehead. She wanted one on my head too, so I obliged. I couldn’t get her to use the bathroom at all and I’m worried because she’s holding it so long. She wanted to wair panties, rather than a diaper because that is what she’s used to.

We had fun, I started to relax again. I got her to eat a cracker and some fruit snacks. She had a fun time feeding me the fruit snacks. At about 9:30 AM though she started crying again, softly at first, and then loudly. She let me hold her this time and I walked her around and around the swimming pool singing and trying occasionally to get her to take a bottle of milk which she refused. Finally I decided to go back to the room. She wouldn’t stop crying until Dave took her and then she fell asleep. It’s now 11:00 AM and she’s still sleeping. She wakes up every few minutes and whimpers. She won’t look at me again. That feeling in my stomach is so bad. I can’t eat and I have no idea what to do. I tried making a phone call to talk to my baby, but I guess they don’t have international service here because it wouldn’t go through. We still do not have internet after repeated requests and I’m feeling so isolated and lost. Dave is being so awesome through this. I’m so proud of him. He’s comforting Rani and me and he’s not worried at all that she won’t come around. I can’t remember anyone saying it felt this bad. Will she come around or will she always hate me? I want to talk to someone so badly. I want to talk to my friend Holly who has 15 adopted kids and ask “what do I do?” This feeling is so awful. I feel so helpless and useless and incapable.

One Response to “Day two with Rani”

  1. Tam Says:

    HANG IN THERE!!! This is one of those “Mommy Moments” when you have to put your own feelings aside (no matter how hideous they feel) and think about what is best for Rani. Look around you. Do you REALLY think she’s better off there? Who would teach her to know the Savior? She has no idea yet what you have in store for her. How many times have we resisted God, kicking and screaming, only to find out later what glorious good we were resisting? Did He give up on us??

    I don’t know if you had the same experience, but the first time I tried to nurse I felt the same exact way you feel. My baby had been in the hospital for 8 days, taking some bottles. We were both exhausted and sick and frustrated. I remember that same knot in my stomach. Will this child EVER accept my breast and learn to nurse properly? Will she ever stop SCREAMING?? After 24 hours of back labor, a 4th degree episiotomy and a forceps delivery I was told that she could die. After 8 days of schlepping back and forth to the hospital, trying to nurse for the first time with an inverted nipple, and listening to her blood curdling screams for several days, I asked myself seriously, “Can I do this?? Do I even WANT to do this?” The answers were yes and yes. The answers for you are YES and YES. I look at my gorgeous 11 year old and I cannot believe I wanted to give up. Don’t give up.

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